I AM NOT YOUR PUNCHING BAG

I stared at the bloody knife in my hand, I never meant for this to happen. I just wanted to scare him away so he wouldn’t hit me again, but he pushed the knife straight into his heart. For the first few minutes I was too shocked to move, as he laid on the floor, covered in his blood, as he struggled to flash me one his smiles, the ones I used to find charming but recently it simply makes me sick. More after the slice…

I knew I had to do something and quick, I ignore the tears that had begun to run down my face and ran out to look for help, but my neighbors had all left for work, if he had left as well, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened. Fortunately, I saw Mr. Victor I explained it in a rush and we ran back into the house.

He was hitting me as usual this morning, he beats me for adding too much salt in the soup, for not finishing dinner early, for everything or nothing at all, I should have left, after all the bruises, scars and long nights at the hospital, or after he grabbed my arm and injected it with his drugs, or when he broke a bottle in my head. But I stayed because I loved him, I stayed because every day he comes back with a bouquet of flowers and say he is sorry and he loves me, and every day I look into his eyes and believe him.

At first I thought he was going through a hard time after he lost his mother in that tragic car accident, so I allowed him to take it out on me, but it has been a year and the half and he was only getting worse every day. I hid the bruises and scars with my long sleeved shirts that he picked out for me to wear and my makeup, but I rarely go out anymore, not after he pushed me down the stairs and injured me badly because I secretly went to see a friend. I never went out without his permission again.

I never told anyone about him, mother always said I should do everything in my power to make this marriage work. “It is not every day you get a charming, rich husband, considering your background, so whatever happens don’t ever let him slip away from you. Patience is everything my dear, and whatever he does, be patient with him” She said. I can’t let my family down; I had to endure for all our sakes. After all he is not a bad person; he is just a person with lots of problems.

I didn’t say anything after the miscarriages, even when some of his family members in the village accused me of witchcraft. And not once had he defended me, but is so determined to protect him, because I am a good wife and everything revolves around him. I smiled to the world because I had it all. The perfect husband, the big house, the fancy cars, and the latest I phone, but I don’t own the phone, he does, he checks every text and every call.

He never failed to remind me of his generosity towards me and my family, and my friends rarely visit, he says they fill my ears with stupid ideas. And he assured me the first time I tell anyone would be the last day of my life. When we were dating he used to say I belonged to him alone, and I thought he was just being cheesy but now I understand that he meant every word. He said he would haunt me down to the end of the world if I ever leave him even if he dies in the process.

This morning , I decided that I had had enough after he hit me for nothing, I had to leave even if I die in the process but unfortunately he came back on his way to the office and met me .

“What do you think you are doing?” He eyes ablaze with anger, I started taking steps back. “Are you leaving me, is that what this is?’

“You can’t leave me.” He threw a vase on the floor and I flinched.” I am your husband.”

“I….I”

“I am tired of you treating me like this.” I screamed back at him, I didn’t know where all that confidence came from but I am glad it did. He moved closer till my back touched the wall. He gently took my face in his hand, I flinched from his touch. “Please, please don’t go.” he begged, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. I looked away.” I swear I would change, I would do anything, I promise but don’t go.” I removed his hand from my face.

A part of me wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be okay , but I knew he would never change, I understood that yesterday, he traps me by making me believe he would . I kinda believe he loves me, like the way he stares at me when he is not being mean but he is sick and he needs help and I am done paying the price for his sins.

“You will kill me if I stay.” I managed to say.” We both know you will never change.”

His expression turned deadly.” You will not leave.” He said slowly, as if explaining something to a naughty child, my heart begun to beat so hard, I thought he would hear it from where he was from.  He moved back a lttle, and my eyes darted to the knife lying on the table, I quickly grabbed it. “Move back.” I Ordered.” Or I stab you.”

He started to laugh so hard and moved closer pointing the knife to his chest.” Then kill me and go because if I am alive you are never leaving this place.”

My hands begun to shake, “I SAID MOVE BACK” I shouted. He whispered I love you and before I could comprehend what was happening he shoved the knife into his chest.

Mr. victor and I rushed back into his house, we checked his pulse and thankfully he was alive, we rushed to the hospital with his head on my laps, I whispered in his ears and begged him to wake up I even promise I would stay if he lives. He was rushed into surgery and I paced the hospital hall, praying for his survival. After a long time, the doctor came out and from the look on his face; I knew he didn’t make it. I collapsed before he even said anything.

It took me a few minutes to adjust to the light when I woke up. I had always hated hospitals with their dull and depressing walls, “you are wake?” I turned to see his sister sitting on a sofa in the room, tears begun to fall from my eyes.

“he …he …died’

Written By: Hauwa Saleh